by J. Eugenio Cotera E.
The Definitive Guide for the White Man
In this episode of Cafe Cotera: La Magazine Fronteriza, we are going to grapple with one of the oldest culinary dilemmas known to man: How to properly eat a taco.
It sounds simple enough, but better men than me have tried and failed. Tall, bald men in their late sixties have been spotted with tears streaming down their faces. The simplicity of the question conceals the complexity of the matter.
To make things a little easier, we will focus on tacos made with one or two soft corn tortillas, 4 to 5 inches in diameter. Tacos made with flour tortillas, fried tacos, fillings, garnishes, salsas, and everything else will be left for another time. (I will not even consider the subject of eating tacos with a fork and knife.)
I would like to concentrate on three things: general technique, the grip, and the execution.
Soft tacos come with one, sometimes two tortillas. Some tortillas are dry-heated on the griddle, some are immersed in oil, others in meat drippings, and some are steamed. A taco made with a single, dry-heated tortilla is the most challenging to eat because you only have so much time before the tortilla’s natural fault line gives way and your filling ends up in the tray. (See what I did there?)
Let’s start with that one.
General technique
First, consider ordering one or two at a time so the tortilla doesn’t get cold. Eat them in three bites. Grab one using the proper grip, approach the plate, and remember: do not bring the taco to you. Tilt your head, not the taco, and bite.
Close your eyes and taste. Rinse and repeat, with one important consideration for the third bite: turn the remaining taco 180 degrees and finish it.
I’ll add some funky diagrams to help explain myself.
The grip
The grip might be the most important aspect of this subject to master.
Sounds easy enough: Pick up a taco as if it were a dead ferret, a flask of whiskey, or an old Remington? That won’t do. It would be more akin to picking up an injured house finch or a small mammal.
Your grip has to be firm but wary. The same goes for a small taco. You must hold it securely, but you don’t want to crush it to death, and you most certainly don’t want to let it fly away.
The trick is this: three fingers hold the taco and two fingers support the bottom. The bottom being the most delicate and dangerous part of the stray taco. Pinch too close to the seam and everything unravels; pinch too high and everything disentangles.
The execution
The execution should be as follows:
Clear your mind and your soul. Breathe twice, in and out. Salivate while you reach for a taco. Concentrate. Approach the table with your whole body. Grip a taco before it gets cold, tilt your head, and bite.
Intermission…
(This is when you think about immortality and such.)
When you are ready, bite that sucker a second time.
Meditate…
(Now you should be focused on the political future of the United States.)
Now, flip the remaining taco 180 degrees and put it in your mouth. It almost sounds disgusting, but I swear it’s not.
If the tortilla is really small, two bites should be sufficient. If you need to put your taco down after the first bite for some reason, don’t let it flop open. A taco hinge can only operate properly so many times. Rest one of your fingers lightly over the folded taco while you conduct your business.
Big corn tortillas will require four bites instead of three. Tortillas that are freshly made will be more flexible than store-bought ones and will have a longer working hinge. A freshly made tortilla that additionally puffs up, or “soufflés,” is the Holy Grail of the tortilla world.
And this, my friends, is where we must draw the line between eating a taco and understanding one.
The taco is a delicate piece of engineering. Its tortilla is a structural component, its filling a potential liability, and its hinge a matter of life and death. You must approach it with respect, patience, and a certain degree of humility.
Master these techniques, and you may finally eat a taco without losing half of it to the plate, your shirt, or the laws of gravity.
You will have earned your place at the table.
Buen provecho.
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